It sucks that I'm this constant disappointment. Honestly, all the stress we kids (if we can still call ourselves kids that is) face today, its fucking crazy. How anyone puts up with it and remains sane is beyond me. Though you know, maybe all this stress would never have existed if I wasn't perpetually last minute girl. Its 30 days or something till A's. Clarissa's gonna attempt to mug 2 years worth of content in 30 days. God help me. Oh and all of you too I suppose.

I came up with a solution to all my time wasting problems. Considering I'm always in front of the com doing absolutely nothing, I'm gonna give Daddy my main wire or something to bring to work everyday. Then I can't use the com anymore! But knowing Dad he'll lose it or forget to bring it back everyday. Then howww. I cannot use my aspire excuse to use the computer anymore.

If you haven't heard already, I'm single again. Probably a little more permanent than usual this time, I think I forgot how fucking awesome it was being single. We'll see how it goes, the next time I jump back into a relationship I'll make sure he's
a) not boring
b) actually has cash some of the time
c) worth investing all the potential heartache in
d) someone I can stand for more than five minutes
e) I suppose attractive wouldn't hurt either

I'm not saying Sam wasn't any of these things (heaven forbid someone finds another reason to find fault with me, dissing my ex on blogger and all) but I mean it would have been good if we hadn't argued so much. Actually I don't know. Its too early for me to analyse it yet.

Though I'll say one thing. I'm sad to have lost Botak Jones Toa Payoh to him and his friends now. Who knows, maybe one day he'll stop being so fucking mad at me and get over it. And then I can eat yummy burgers and get tipsy all over again, while only paying for me. Oh joy.

Its off to take a nap now, wake up and do mitosis by the end of the day! And that damn econs case study as well. Byebyebye.

Keep thinking I'm that bitch if you want, it doesn't fucking affect me in the least.

It is sad however, that that has to go out to more than one person. More than two people. Okay four. I need to stop picking fights/retaliating.

The last couple of days, all I've been thinking, is that I wish I could be one of those fuckers still full of hope about every damn thing. And every single time that thought's popped into my head, I keep mentally slapping myself for the emo-ness.

I don't know what's been wrong with me the last couple of days. Its like everything everyone does gets on my nerves. And no one's been getting it worse than the boyfriend. Oh and my family I suppose, but they're getting pretty used to my moods so they don't count.

Everything the boyfriend's done lately has just irritated me beyond belief. Its crazy, and I dunno, I'm undecided if the things I'm mad about are petty or warranted. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this shit. Like someone else's perspective. Someone who won't say I told you so. Someone who can give me an objective view on everything. Actually no, scratch that. Half the issues I have with him I don't want anyone else to know about, cause its fucking embarrassing that a girl like me still has to deal with shit like this. No no, not saying I'm gorgeous or whatever ANDRE TAN before you quote me and analyse this shit, I mean a girl who's been in relationships before and should know better and be treated better and whatever. NO he's not fucking stalking me again or whatever, its a whole different set of problems now. I think. Or maybe its rewind 2 years back and press play and you'll see the same shit. Fuck I don't know what I'm talking about, as if I ever do.

Figures the only time I'm bothered to blog is when dre isn't online for me to bitch to. Hahaha. Then he can call me fat and I can feel better about myself.


P.S This post does not in any way indicate that my blog is alive again. Temporary resuscitations such as the above might occur occasionally, but only in instances where CPR is performed by a guy equivalent in hotness to Ryan Phillipe. I wouldn't advise you to keep checking back everyday or week to see if I've updated yet, maybe once a month. I'll throw out that same excuse you see everywhere else, I'm busy studying for A's lah! Total bs but whatever.

I think I must lack some fundamental woman gene. Or maybe it got replaced with some bitch gene. I don't know, Bitch keeps insisting its true. And maybe it is. I don't seem to do all too well in relationships. I'm not a very nice person; if it seems to you like I am then I probably bitch behind your back a hell lot. I think everyday that goes by I become a little less mature. Or maybe this is what maturity feels like. Damnit I'm 18. I've never gone clubbing before. Haha yes shock outrage whatever the reaction is. Yeah yeah people wanna take me I don't wanna go. Its too many people trying to fit in. It just sounds so unappealing to me. Its the same with Dipsy's friends. He keeps wanting me to meet them. And I keep pushing it off. I'm not sure if he reads this, cause I hardly ever update, but I can guess its gonna land me into big trouble and another conversation where we can't keep ignoring things and have to talk them out. God help me, I HATE talking things out. Anyway back to Dipsy's friends. From all the stories he tells me, like funny things that happen in school that aren't quite so funny to me and I'm obliged to laugh at, they all sound like they're trying WAYYYY too hard. Even him.

I can't help but wonder if every relationship is like this, where you get so easily irked by the other person. Maybe its just the initial puppy dog phase wearing off, or maybe its PMS, whatever it is, its getting harder and I'm not sure I can last much longer. When its good its good, when its not its not. Its never bad, its just that when its not good its not anything. I'm not making any sense. Thats what waking up before 12 on a saturday morning will do to you though.

Enough of this shit, back to sleep. Gonna thread eyebrows later, don't know why I bother. Not like he ever seems to notice any little efforts I take. They're certainly not reciprocated in the least. Then again, maybe I don't deserve much better eh? Wah wah self-pity. So attractive no?

Despite the current weight plateau (48kg, anyone saying OMG SO FAT AH is gonna get a few slaps from me), I've managed to convince myself that the fat that used to hang around my mid-section and thighs has either turned into muscle (yes I said it) or re-directed itself to my boobs. YEAH YEAH YEAH. Okay that last line was cause I'm listening to Fake Tales of San Francisco and the guy was shouting it. Hahaha.

clarissa. says:
bitchhhh!
clarissa. says:
i loveeeee you
aileen. says:
hahahahahah what took you so long to realise
clarissa. says:
seeing you hold my asthma inhaler today lah
clarissa. says:
i realised you were my lifeline if i was dying of breathlessness all
clarissa. says:
then cannot live without you now
clarissa. says:
will you marry me
clarissa. says:
tonight
clarissa. says:
we run away and elope
clarissa. says:
in las vegas
clarissa. says:
by elvis
aileen. says:
hahahahaha yessss!
clarissa. says:
hahahaha
clarissa. says:
then we go honeymoon
aileen. says:
we shall run away and never take As!
clarissa. says:
in temptation island
clarissa. says:
hahahahha

Ok random convo I'm having with Aileen.

SLURP SLURP SLURP!

SOMEONE BUY ME A SLURPEE. AND ONE FOR B-SPOT ALSO, THEN SHE CAN TURN ON ALL THE GUYS WITH HER LICKING IT UP ACTIONS. *CUE AILEEN'S GIANT TONGUE ACTION*

aileen. says:
we must purposely get ourselves shipwrecked
aileen. says:
then we can stay on some island
aileen. says:
and put my coconut opening skills to good use
clarissa. says:
ok can
clarissa. says:
must make sure you do in front of camera
aileen. says:
hahahah like that u damn useless lah
aileen. says:
u good at nth only
clarissa. says:
i will catch the boar
clarissa. says:
i will run and tackle it
clarissa. says:
and strangle it to death
aileen. says:
hahahaha u can make use of yupi gummy bear to help you!

[ ] You have eaten fish food.
[ ] You have eaten dog food.
[ ] You have eaten cat food.
[x] You have run into a glass door.
[x] You have eaten an ant
[x] You have eaten grass.
[x] You have licked a tree (eh all these 3 happened on the same day lah. shane and his dumbass dares when we were kids)
[x] You have polka dotted underwear.
[x] You have pink underwear.
[x]You had contests with your friendsto see who can create the nastiest burp.
[x] You have screamed a random word in public.
[x] You wave at people you don't know.
[x] You have flushed the toilet becauseyou were bored.
[x] You have slapped yourself out of boredom.
[x]You sing the "FUN" song. (shane and I got bomoh coming song. close enough, its hell fun to sing)
[x]You hold conversations with apillow, blanket, stuffed animal etc.
[ ] You dream of lamas coming out of peoples' butts.
[x] You think people who eat brains are cool. (Hannibal was awesome sick)
[x] You have/sing karaoke even thoughyou know you're horrible
[x]You know how to spell "supercallafragalisticespialadosious" by heart. (Its one l in cala bitch! hahahaha I'm such the loser.)
[x] You make up your own words and usethem with people who have no clue what they mean.
[x] You have striped socks and you havewore them so people can see them.
[x] You have hugged a random person.
[x] You have ran up and down the stairs cause u were bored
[x] You have created a puppet show withyour socks out of boredom.
[x You have imagined peoplesaying "bla" and blowing up.
[xxx!] You just tried imagining people saying "bla" and blowing up.
[x]You are addicted to the Anamaniacs themesong. (pretty sure its animaniacs)
[x ]You are addicted to "The Pinky andthe Brain" theme song.
[x] You have stared at your ceiling for over 10 minutes.
[x] You have talked to yourself
[x] You have conversations with your imaginary friends.
TOTAL: 28
Count them all up, and multiply by 3 (:

84%. YIKES. I'm gonna watch Bourne Supremacy now. TOODLES.

Blame wrong bra choices at 6.30am, coupled with sadistic P.E lessons involving nothing but running for premature/early onset saggy boobs.

I have made a solemn vow to myself. To prevent this early saggy boob shit, I'm gonna start wearing bras to sleep. Like totally. Starting from the day I turn 18.

Or I could take the easy, more comfy way out, and just get implants or augmentation or whatever in a couple of years.

Its 10 days till I'm legal, I've got till then to decide. How ironic ah. Legal age is when I'm gonna start wearing bras. HAHAHAHA. Aiyoh I crack myself up lah.

Oh and, not to forget, must mention my MSN personal msg here so when I look back in a million years I can still laugh.

LICKING UP MY PAINFUL WOUNDS. HAHAHA FUCKUP. (SOME PEOPLEE AH!)

SLURP SLURP SLURP!

MALAY ORAL TMR! SOMEONE WISH ME LUCK. LETS HOPE BURSTING INTO TEARS HASN'T YET LOST ITS NOVELTY AND I GET EXTRA SYMPATHY ALL!

ALRIGHT OFF TO SLEEPY SLEEPY LAND, OR SOME QUALITY TIME WITH JANET EVANOVICH AT THE VERY LEAST.

LAZINESS TO EVEN UNCAPS YOUR KEYBOARD AH. A BIT DRASTIC ALREADY SASA.

Bye bye dear readers, girls please remember to wear bras and sleep tonight. And every night. Unless you just had mind-blowing sex and got no more energy to go and search for bra all. Or it was really really bad and you wonder why you're keeping your boobs perky for such a waste of time thing. Off now. Toodles. HAHAHAHA SO CANNOT PULL IT OFF MAN. NVM EVERYONE PRETEND I CAN. TOODLES!

You know what I hate. Band geeks who suddenly act like they know a lot about music when they really really don't. Jenn, I swear I'm not talking about you. But like you know the people who were in band for years and years, and have a stupid opinion on everything. And they'll throw out all these random terms they think mean something in the context but really don't. Like shut up lah. You're just band geeks who can't even play your instruments well. And oh oh, they'll grade every school band they hear like they're big experts or whatever. Annoyinggg.

'We play Metallica and Nirvana as good as they did.' Fuck off fuck off.

Dunno why I'm suddenly blogging about this. Just thought about when someone said that about their band, and I got really annoyed all over again. You can just trust Singaporeans to try and act a lot cooler than they really are, and totally crash and burn. Hahaha. Its funny though, when its not so annoying.

I've got 2 papers tomorrow. Look at me, I haven't even touched anything yet. Been lazing around all day. Hours and hours on the phone. And plates and plates of yummy lasagna. I'm gonna get fat fat fat at this rate. Yeah deal with that when it happens.

I'm trying to study. I really am. Except now, instead of being distracted by many many episodes of the Simpsons, How I met your mother, and most recently of all The Secret World of Alex Mack(HAHA!), I get distracted by him. Not like he's calling me an awful lot, though we do spend all night on the phone, but like thinking of him. Its so weird how all these feelings just rush back to you.

I keep telling my friends I'm happy. And they proceed to end my sentence with for now. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe things will work out this time. Maybe they won't. Whatever it is, I'm 17. I've many many mistakes ahead of me. If I keep being afraid its probably not gonna get me anywhere. Like I said, he makes me happy.

I'm a happy happy girl. For now. Haha but there's always so much drama in my life something's gonna screw up sooner or later. Preferably later. I don't wanna jinx things too early, but this may be the one time I get to spend a birthday with a boy. Somehow I always end things like right before my birthday. Or Valentine's day. Or Christmas. Fucked up right? Yeah I know.

I'm off to try and study. Though I just messaged him. He's probably still sleeping. I went to sleep at 6.20am. So did he. Nvm, its fun to wake him up. For me, not him. Hahaha I'm gonna turn my blog into something horribly sappy. And all my friends are gonna kena forced to read all of it.

Oh and we ran into Mr Fong, my GP tutor at Vivocity. Hahaha so gonna kena for not studying in the middle of exams. Hey it was youth day, I was out celebrating my youth.

Like I said, off to try and study. Good luck with that Sasa.

Yeah cancel my long-awaited(six whole days man) supper. I'm gonna watch Transformers of all things with Adrian. He tried so hard to convince me so I gave in eventually. And at his fav theatre some more, Balestier Shaw. Maybe we'll head over to Asoka after. Hahahaha.

Adrian : Eh watch transformers with me lah.
Me : Don't want lah. Watch car become robot only.(insert random small become big action by me here}
Adrian : Nooo. Aeroplane also can!

Keep in mind this is my almost 25 year old brother. Who never outgrew his fav cartoon. And I kena all the consequences.

I'm such the loving sister man. Watching dumb movies for my brother all. I even watched snore-fest LoTR for him man. All 3! You can just imagine Adri having to explain every single thing to me.

Oh. And sample convo since I suddenly remembered between Bitch and I.

Clarissa : Eh I think first day we start school we getting back GP.
Aileen : We first day of school becoming vegetable?

Clarissa : Eh my brother drink my Red Bull lah.
Aileen : Huh your brother dream I rape you?

You don't need to play Broken Telephone with Bitch and I around lah. Saying once is funny enough. Hahahaha.

Ok lah. Off to dress my Asokan best. Hahahaha.

EEEEEEEE. I'VE GOT SICK TUMMY MUSCLES NOW! EEEEEEEE. GET IT OFF GET IT OFF. SO GROSS OK. MAKE THEM GO AWAYYYY.

I wish bellydancing wasn't so fun man. Then I can stop showing off to my friends how I can make all these exciting muscles I never knew existed move.


Finally going for supper with all my fav kawan. Cooped up for one week not studying sucks ok.


I realised this whole post doesn't sound very Clarissa like. Nvm. Its what horrible afternoon Biology papers will do to you.


Oh and its CLER-IS-SAH. Or CLER-IS-SUH depending on your accent. NOT CLAAAAAAAA-RIIII-SAAAAA. Fucking annoying ok. If I could tiger roar I would lah. Nvm let's pretend. RAAAARRRHHH.

Mum says to wait another month before we go get my lump checked out. Its kinda freaky cause she says it doesn't move when she rubs it, which apparently is a bad sign. And it doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. Its been there for like 6 weeks now I think? Maybe this isn't the kind of thing I should post on my blog, cause I really don't wanna worry my friends about it, but its just something I've been getting pretty paranoid over lately. Which is why I've been forcing Daddy to buy copious amounts of brocolli for me every week from the market. Hahahaha. And drinking green tea by the gallon. Three cheers for anti-carcinogenic whatevers.

In other news, papers start up again in about 12 hours. And of all things to start and get me even more un-motivated than I am now, its 3 hours of maths to kick things off. What's the bet I can finish the paper in half an hour? I keep telling myself, you're supposed to do badly for mid-years right? First time we're doing a full paper and all. Fabulous reason. And if all else fails, I'll rely on that old standby, I blanked out during all my papers. Besides, prelims' the important one. Stick around another two months and you'll totally see it here, A's the important one. Hahaha.

I'm off to not study now. Byeeee.

I can't remember the last time my family went to watch a movie together. And we're going tonight. Which wouldn't normally be such a problem, except mid-years commence Tuesday, and last minute girl needs all the time she can get right about now. Which is where the guilt and turmoil begin. Dad says I shouldn't worry. I've been cooped up in my room all day, presumably studying, and going out all night, presumably to work the studying off. Hahahaha. What he doesn't know is I study about half an hour a day if my brain can take it, and which really just started on Thursday, as in three days ago.

Panic panic panic. Which idiot came up with staying calm in a crisis. I've been calm the whole holidays, its about time for some damn panic.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FOUR WEEKS?

I hate hate hate Blogger's new autosave function. I keep typing posts halfway and telling myself I'll just continue it later. And then I never do. Got like 4 like that already. All these useful functions are horrible for procrastinators like me.

Anyway, on to my post. Which was quite inspired by a friend's post on fat, or more like how he didn't want any of it.

Fat. Seriously, what's the big deal. Why is everyone so obsessed with losing it. I'm happy with my fat. Without it, I wouldn't have breasts, unless its not actually fat and like mammary stuff or whatever but so not the point anyway. I wouldn't fill my jeans as nice. I'm not saying I'd be happy gaining a lot more weight or whatever, but come on. Without fat, girls wouldn't be warm and soft anymore. If you paid any attention to Secondary School Biology, fats keep you warm. They prevent the loss of water from your body. Now imagine this. If I took away all my fat, all I'd be left with is bones. Which is freakyy cause I don't wanna look like a certain someone. And then I'd have to drink water non-stop, and have to wear a million jackets just to walk around in the hot sun. Anywhere else, I'd be shipped off to a clinic for anorexia. Here I'm just the norm. I mean sure, I watch my diet. But it isn't so much about losing weight, its more like not putting so much junk in my body. I've never said like, Ok today I'm gonna starve and lose weight. I've said, ew Maria made something gross for lunch, I'm gonna eat an apple instead, but thats because I don't want to eat her gross food.

[Update : I actually bothered to look through my mail to find this picture, to further prove my point that we all need some fat]





The way I see it, there's good fat, and then there's bad fat. No I'm not talking about saturated trans mono poly whatever. I count good fat as being yummy stuff. The stuff you eat when you're depressed, angry, or when it happens to be in the fridge. And even if its technically bad for you, hey your body takes care of that too. What do you think tummy aches are for. Besides, at least the discomfort you feel comes with knowing you had a couple hours of joy before. Bad fat to me is stuff that's gross. Like when someone gives you something dunked in a pool of oil, and it doesn't taste nice. Then you like kena diarrhoea, and have to bear with the pain that you totally brought it on yourself by eating food that so wasn't worth it. Hahaha.

Its taken me a long time to get to here, but I'm finally totally happy about the way I look. I can't be bothered about what anyone else thinks anymore. Least of all my mother, who finds faults in me from head to toe. Oh enough with the self-deprecation Clarissa, everyone knows you're tortured. Ok stop talking to yourself Clarissa. Thank you.

Ok. I've lost track of what I was talking about. Before I let Blogger autosave and close this window, I might as well post this first. I apologise for the lack of effort in making this funny. I'm pretty braindead now as it is.

Alamak I studied for half an hour and can die of neck pain now. I either need a higher table or a lower chair. Yay for a new excuse to not study! Lame Sasa lame.

Went driving around with Adrian last night. Turned on the radio, heard some girl singing about her umbrella. Sheesh. The music people listen to these days. Thank god I'm not 12 anymore.

Then we turned on Tokyo Drift, blasted it really loud, wound down the windows and started acting damn beng. Super funny. I swear until you try it you have no right to judge me. It makes you totally want to do the whole head nod thing at the guy the next car over when you stop at the traffic light. Or the whole finger jabbing in the air thing. Hahahaha.

It all started a couple of weeks ago, when Adrian played it damn loud in his room over and over and I got damn annoyed.

Clarissa : Eh play normal music can. Fucking annoying ok.
Adrian : I just realised this was in English!
Clarissa : Idiot.

Isn't it so weird that I play Zero 7 and Adri plays like Timbaland. Eek. Rewind a couple of years and we've swapped places. Freakyyyy.

Anyway, yah lah, the Cross family damn slow to catch onto trends. So sue us. Three months from now we'll be dancing along to the umbrella song. You can stand under my umbrella. Oh if only I could remember more words to this silly song, I'd totally go make fun of Joshua. Except he listens to Ayumi Hatasuki or whatever her name is. God help me.

I just had the most disgusting lunch ever. If my camera was working I'd have taken a picture of it.

Mum bought the chinese mixed rice back for Adrian and I. Despite us telling her repeatedly we'd rather have like 2 meats and 1 tofu instead of any form of vegetable, she will insist on it. Today it was sambal beans. Okay lah not as bad as most days. So anyway, I went to have my shower before eating. And when I come out all scrubbed up and clean, I find Adrian's been messing around with my packet. He dumped all his beans in my packet and took all my meat! All of it ok. And he quickly finished his food before I came out so cannot take back also. Honestly, brothers will be the death of you. So I essentially had this packet of rice covered full of beans. And since I was too lazy to like go fry an egg or what I just had beans and rice. Macham WWII like that lah.

And thus concludes the story of my disgusting lunch. You people have nothing better to do then read this ah.

HOW ANNOYING IS IT WHEN,

INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK IN A BIKINI LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (You call it complacency, I call it self acceptance. Let's all give and take a bit here.)

I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER REALLY RED ECZEMA PATCHES ARE OBVIOUS, VERY UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE.


Guess its gonna be a while before I make it to the beach again. Sigh.

I spent the longest time just lying in bed thinking today. I've been so busy with so much rubbish I haven't had very much me time lately. Anyway, I've been reflecting a lot. Like I think especially on my secondary school days.

You know how they say whatever's done is done and we should all just learn to move on. I think move to the next thing we might, but somehow we end up dragging everything along with us for the ride. I'm the first one to admit it, I've done a lot of things I'm not especially proud of. My friends now would never believe the person I was a couple of years back. I know this should come from me when I'm like thirty and thinking of my teenage years, but I think somehow in the last 2 years or so, I did more growing up then the rest of my years combined.

I really wish I could take everything back. Like go back in time and change it all. Like enjoy being 14, instead of trying so hard to be 21. I think the hardest lesson IJ taught me was you can't ever really trust anyone. At least not a bunch of teenage girls. I'm way closer to my IJ friends now then I ever was back then. Maybe with the possible exception of Punitha, who I've always had this really special bond with. But like Jenn and Kat, I think I know them now better than I did then. Thank God, because they're more or less quite unaware of what I used to be, or what I still sometimes am.

Its strange for me, going to school everyday now, being the good girl, sucking up to teachers for the fucking SGC(though I can't much be bothered anymore), and worrying about being late every morning. Its strange cause I've never been this like good girl ever. I see what my SR friends and classmates consider 'bad behaviour' and its just so ridiculous. Everyone's so sheltered, so blissfully unaware of life. I don't get how people live their lives following every single rule. Doing their homework dilligently every day, staying at home on weekends to mug. Its fucking crazy. A week of that and I'd commit suicide.


My friends have told me I've mellowed out. Drastically. I'm like this completely different person most of the time now, though you do catch glimpses here and there. Bitch got quite shocked today when I called some random guy a fucker. See what I mean? Absolutely ridiculous. In IJ I never minded much being by myself and whatever, cause school was just something you went to for a couple of hours a day. Once you got out of there you went and found your real friends and had your fun. Though I'll concede, every relationship I ever had during the period was completely fucked up. Now though, I spend so much of my time in school. I'm around people I feel completely uncomfortable with most of my days now. I mean of course there's Bitch lah but I mean everyone else. I worry about handing in assignments late, I worry about missing lessons. I worry about flunking now when I've always been the effortless above average student. I now worry about things I've never ever worried about before.


I'm considering making this blog private. Then I can really blog without using euphemisms for everything. I'm tired of being so vague. Its so draining and there's just no sense of accomplishment at the end of it. I think its really about time I stopped hoping for someone to come rescue me from this mess and get out of it by myself. Now all I need is a few more days every week, a few more hours to each day, and a few more pencilled in notes by the side of all my lecture materials and probably a lot more working brain cells. Abso-fucking-lutely great.

When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mummy what will I be.
Will I be handsome,
Will I be strong,
This is what she said to me.
Oh Adrian Adrian, you are so very handsome and smart.
Clarissa's the adopted retard,
And forever you'll be my favourite.


HAHAHAHA. Big wave of nostalgia hit me today. Adrian used to irritate me with this all the time. In case you didn't realise, its the Que Sera Sera song, just horribly re-phrased. He alternated between this and HBK's Sexy Boy. As annoying as it was, I really miss those dumb days.

This is what makes growing up so damn hard.

At the rate I've been moisturising, if you're wondering what to get for my birthday, industrial sized St. Ives would be nice. Yes, Clarissa has finally discovered the joy of sleeping with air-conditioners in the sweltering heat. Speaking of which, while drifting off during my afternoon nap and listening to the klunk klunk noises my air-con was making, I couldn't help but imagine it exploding. Like delicious orange flames all over, and me burning to death. Haha quite ironic right. Like the air con burning me. Hahaha, nvm, I'm very lame. Anyway, I was just thinking it'd be a pretty cool way to get out of A's.

Andddd, I'm finally, hopefully, comfortable enough to blog about this. Though I may sink into depression once this is over with. I'm rather sadly to say, no longer an S. Yes, I've moved on to adjusted M territory. The nightmare started when we went shopping for my bridesmaid dress. We went to Daniel Yen among other stops, and saw this really pretty dress. I tried on the S, and like the top part and all really fit very well, until it got to my hips. Where the dress kinda looked a little stretched. Then we tried the M, where the hips fit, but not much else. So I've now landed myself in adjusted M territory. We're probably gonna get that dress so I'm just gonna have to deal. Oh the worst part of it all, the other bridesmaid could fit into the S. And she's like 25! I'm trying really hard not to whine, but its so unfair. I would never have this problem anywhere else, where dresses are made to fit real bodies, not rectangle (literally everywhere, what with all the flat surfaces) Chinese people like everything in Singapore is tailored to fit. Eh I should really lock my blog soon, what with all these random racist comments all. Nevermind, if the boys love my hips as Shane says they do, then I'm still a very happy girl.

I've now reached the end of this very bimbotic post, feel free to leave tags telling me you love my sexy hips too. Hahaha. Night night.

CLARISSA HAS NO FRIENDS.

I'm probably the only one who finds that funny, cause there's no one else to find it funny with me.

Since I haven't gone for confession since my IJ days,

Guilt

1. Allowing Dad to drag you out for ice cream since you've been cooped up in your room the whole day studying. When you're really been catching up on your weekly shows.

2. Finishing two bags of Lays and 4 cans of coke while watching your weekly shows.

3. Lying to your parents that everyone else failed the Math and Bio papers too. When you really haven't paid attention to/attended any of your lectures.

4. Smoking 8 cigarettes in a row, yah lah no big deal, but considering I smoke like one a week. Hahaha. Followed by like 20 inhaler puffs. Damn asthma.

5. Calling up all your best friends to whine about how awful your life is, and not bothering to ask how they're doing.

6. Flirting with your friend's boyfriend.

7. Sleeping the rest of the day away, instead of starting the study plan.

And that's just today. God help me.

You know you've become such the total nerd when you get excited that Popular's started stocking the new H1 Math topic by topic exam questions book (With added GC screen shots!).




In the car today, we were talking about how when Adrian and I have kids we'll dump them on Mum and Dad to look after. Dad's reaction, is totally as follows.

Dad : Yahhh I'll strangle them all and you can come back and collect your dead kids.


Ok lah maybe its one of those things you have to be there for. Anyway, point is, now Adrian and I never have to feel pressured to get married and have a million kids. Though I suppose if you're like a baby machine its a fabulous reason to never worry about your figure again.



Hahaha majorly dumb post, by a majorly bored person. Oh well, another day in the life of Clarissa Cross.

I've decided I hate people who take literature. Or people who like to blog and show off that they're totally awesome at stringing adjectives together and being all hardcore emo or whatever. Instead of studying for my geography paper, I went blog hopping the whole day.

I'm glad I don't sound so patronising when I blog. At least not patronising to whoever reads this. I'm glad that even though I use full, gramatically correct sentences most of the time, I don't have too many difficult words in them. I hate people who constantly blog like they're all fucking poets. Its annoying; totally gets on my nerves. Now I know, you must be thinking that once again, Clarissa thinks she's better than everyone else. I totally know where you're coming from of course, I mean I bitch about how cheena people should just blog in chinese all the time, and now I'm bitching about people who blog too properly. But honestly, a blog is meant to be read right?

I don't know about everyone else, but I read everyone's blogs when I'm de-stressing, you know find out how all my friends are doing. I don't have very much time for long long phone conversations anymore, so we learn to make do right. I came across a blog today. I don't know why, and I've seen this more often than once, but everyone assumes the eye of the tornado means its the worst part. So many people describe the pain they're feeling as being akin to the eye of a tornado. Maybe its an oxymoron. Or a paradox. Or even fucking irony. I can't remember all my literature terms anymore, but to me it seems like ignorance. Ignorance and arrogance. Hey I rhyme too!

I think if I started blogging like that, I mean how hard is it to string difficult words together right, I'd stop having people tell me they like reading my blog. I'd stop like blogging too. Maybe its a way to de-stress. I used to love writing descriptive essays in IJ. My forte if you will. I never however, liked people reading them. To me it was/is maluating. Having everyone think you're this major freak who takes notice of all these insipid details. I mean sure you get to show off your wide vocabulary or whatever, but what does that matter if no one else understands what the hell you're going on about.

I know a lot of my entries are directed at very specific people, and as a result people don't always know what I'm going on about. I realise thats normal, I mean inside jokes and stories happen all the time. But to rant and rave about how you wish it was dark all the time so no one could see your all consuming pain when you're a fucking spoilt rich brat who gets everything you want is idiotic to me. I think thats what diaries are for, or personal blogs for that matter. Making your blog public and posting stuff like that is not only attention seeking, its condescending and shallow all at once.

I doubt anyone got to the end but good on you. Opposing viewpoints are always good. Let me know and I'll counter them. Yah lah yah lah GP over already so what.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.




I don't think things should be this hard.
Its the first time I've ever ever felt this inferior to everyone else.
And its yet another round of common tests next weeek.
Another round of bad news is more than I can take right now.
I can't handle being the disappointment of the family anymore.

I seem to be the only one having this problem, where my cbox keeps getting spammed by random ads. I usually ban and delete them, but I left one up today,mainly cause it made me laugh. You can see it on the left on my tagboard, its for online Viagra. Men, shame of going to a pharmacy and getting Viagra is no longer an excuse to not fuck your saggy wife. Not when there's online Viagra at least.

Its like a half week to common tests. I just watched 3 episodes of House in a row. I'm totally awesome at time management, no?

SOOOOOOOOOMEEEE PEOPLE AH. DESPITE ALL THEIR K-POP J-POP MUNJEN MUSIC FASCINATIONS AH DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE JAPAN IS. SOOOOOOOMMMME PEOPLE AH, DON'T WANT TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE THEN LOOK AT THEIR PAPER FOR ANSWERS LOHH. HAIYAHHHH SOME PEOPLE AH. NEED ONE SLAP TO WAKE UP THEIR IDEA MAN.

Hahaha stress relief only. 100 something days till I'm out of the fucked up school. Praise the Lord, Hallelujah. And yes, I've been going for all the holy week masses so far so DON'T COME AND SAY ME OKAYYY. SAY PEOPLE SAY YOURSELF.

You've gotta love Singlish lah. The ways in which it allows you to entertain yourself. AMAZINGGGGGGG.

You'd think being 17 turning 18 would grant you a certain level of maturity over say a nine year old. Obviously not, or maybe just not in SR anyway. For all this talk about boys maturing later than girls, I'd rather handle boy immaturity as compared to girl immaturity any day of the week. Its shocking how girls can hold grudges over fucking insignificant issues. There's this girl who I've hung out with in this clique since school began last year. She's mad at me over some really stupid thing I said, that I completely forgot all about, ignoring me and making things all around awkward in my clique. Now anyone who knows me knows I run my mouth about absolutely everything and never ever mean to hurt anyone, unless of course they ask for it. Plus everyone knows I value pride over most things, so its not like I'm gonna apologise for being Clarissa any time soon. I was at Chris's 21st last night, and my two nine year old cousins, Joseph and Joel were behaving like that, not 'friending' the other for stealing water guns from one another. Like seriously, the resemblance to this is startling.

Being in SR really raised my tolerance for a lot of things, munjen music being one of them of course. I still cannot tahan it, especially when blasted out for everyone to hear. And if its not that it will be Hilary Duff or what, and all these idiots will start singing along. And force everyone else to listen too, but at least I've stopped insulting it so much, which really is a test of will power kinda thing if anything else.

I just can't wait to get out of this fucked up place. This country too. Give me intelligent conversation over who's hotter, Andy Lau or Jay Chou pleaseeeeee. If I could I'd start making friends with the minority Eurasians in school, if only I could tahan more than 10 minutes being around them. Thank God for Bitch or I'd have never survived this long in SR.

Ok fine, so being gracious and grateful are still virtues I have to cultivate. Show me someone else who's as open about their faults.

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.





Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.





I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercings, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.


Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?


Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.


Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your loving daughter,
Rosie.



At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.


I love you!

Your loving daughter

Me : Discerning, realistic.




You : Naive, ignorant.





Fine lines, NO gray areas.






Blow my own fucking trumpet I will. About time too.

Considering I blog like once a month, twice in a day is amazing no? I've just sat around the whole day, not doing much of anything. I've hardly ventured out of my room, except for water and the occasional futile rummaging through the fridge. In other words, I've had a lot of time to think about stuff. I've gone back to reading finally, and that's gonna be my new stress-kill from now on. Fab new author I've just discovered, Martina Cole. And in the afternoon tmr, after an entire morning of shopping with Mum, I'm really really gonna start hitting the books. As in JC books. Or lecture notes. Whatever, you get the point. For once I'm gonna be signed out of MSN, so people will finally stop talking to me when I'm not there. Yay go new Clarissa.

So we got back Malay results yesterday. Even though I totally was expecting having to re-take the damn thing all over again, I still had to be a total girl and burst into tears. Which was really horribly mortifying cause I just kept crying and crying and crying. In front of everyone. I just wanna apologise to everyone I snapped at. I know you were all just trying to comfort me, but I still went into major bitch mode. I'm really really sorry for that. I think I've got this total inability to feel happy for my friends. I wasn't crying yesterday because I failed, it was more like everyone else passed. And then there were all these people going 'I did damn badly I got a B only'. This girl from my class started screaming when she got back her Malay results, probably an A. And thats when the floodgates opened and never closed. 3 hours a week of malay. As if my timetable isn't terrible enough.

I think JC was the worst decision I ever made. The stress is crazy. The last few days I've had so many breakdowns I think my family's started to lose count. Not only that, everyone's been so nice and careful around me in case I burst into tears. Except Dad of course, who still thinks his daughter can achieve anything she wants. I'm so tempted to go get a withdrawal form, do the whole poly thing. Honestly I think I'm more suited for that. All the poly work I've been doing for my friends certainly proves it. I don't know how anyone else copes with it. Maybe I've just been this really stupid bimbo all along and never noticed it. I know everyone else doesn't think its a big deal, having to repeat malay again, but to me it is. I've never failed anything major before. I got a C6 at O's on my first attempt. I just can't help thinking that when everyone gets their results next March I'm still gonna be the girl in the corner crying her eyes out. I wish this would all just end. That someone would come take me away from all of it. Most of all I think I wish I didn't have so many damn issues.

Loving The Kooks. Yes, I'm finally going mainstream. Say what you want about the Brits, they still do produce the most original music. Andddd they're really hot too! I've absolutely nothing else to report, not like GP results were absolutely fab or anything. I keep trying to upload the damn cross country pics but blogger's annoying. RARRHHH. However, I must say this. Clarissa's matchmaking service is still totally open. I'm making this a yearly thing from now on. Yes I do bring happiness everywhere I go. And no Shane, I'm not high.

Fucking funny especially since everyone's so hooked on Prison Break now. See what I do when I'm supposed to be studying all. I'm not really sure if they play this here cause its been ages since I've watched actual tv, but I'm guessing its still damn funny even if you've watched it over and over. Anyway enjoy.

Un-pimp my ride I, II and III.

I want to marry Hiro Nakamura! Like totally. Damn cute lah. Anyway I think Heroes is gonna start showing here in a bit, so you'll see what I mean soon enough.

I need to find something to blog about. Though I think my friends have learnt not to check this page too often anyway so what does it matter right?

Clarissa needs to learn to keep her mouth shut every once in a while, cause its getting her into far too much trouble with just about everyone.

The brave front's getting really hard to maintain. Orange plastic Clarissa's starting to crack, for absolutely no reason. All these issues that have been there for years and years are suddenly re-surfacing and I hate myself for caring. For crying all fucking night.

Quote from Mum last night, after big fight between Dad and I.
"One's pre-menstrual, the other's post-menopausal."

Yah lah funny, but as much as I wish that was the problem, it isn't. Not really anyway I think. I can't explain it, and I don't know why I'm even bothering to try.

Nikita's staying over this weekend though. She's so big now. And absolutely adorable. The only good thing to happen to me all week. Though I've really been trying to stay in my room more and study instead of going out to play with her.

MAS-ESS is totally not on my list of priorities now, so stop asking. Doing research is making me feel stupid. The day you can't understand stuff from Wiki's the day you know you're not cut out for JC life. I've been trying to study though. Or at least I've been trying to understand stuff. Huge improvement, especially for stuff like Bio. I even bought Post-it flags. Go Clarissa. Plastic's totally made a comeback.

I've stopped making sense, so I'll just stop typing and go read through Homeostasis or what.

I now study on public transport. Yes, I've reached THAT level of nerd. Look closely however, and you'll notice my notes are either completely devoid of any form of note-taking, or can't be recognized as still being paper.

Eh and all you fuckups. Wentworth Miller is not gay okay. He's been accused of it more than once, and its never been true lah okay. Even if he is does it matter? This obsession with sexuality is so annoyingly annoying. I know you're all damn happy to use his potential gay-ness as your excuse to not land a hot guy; they're all gay, but come on. You never had a shot anyway, and besides, no one wants you cause you're ugly either on the inside or outside, or in Singapore, a total disgusting mesh of both.

That's one rumour that's never gonna die here. Even though Season 2's godawful, Singaporeans have this problem with letting go. I mean if its cool in America it has to be cool here right. Stop trying to deny your cheena freak of the century status and latching onto the first random show around.

I could go on, but there's a mountain of work to do. Who knew anyone EVER collected holiday homework? I can't believe I'm actually sitting down and doing my tutorials for once.